Psalm 130

Waiting on Him

Waiting on Him

1 From the depths of despair, O Lord,
I call for your help.

2 Hear my cry, O Lord. 
Pay attention to my prayer.

3 Lord, if you kept a record of our sins,
who, O Lord, could ever survive?

4 But You offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear You.

5 I am counting on the Lord; 
yes, I am counting on Him. 
I have put my hope in His word.

6 I long for the Lord 
more than sentries long for the dawn, 
yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.

7 O Israel, hope in the Lord;
for with the Lord there is unfailing love.
His redemption overflows.

8 He himself will redeem Israel
from every kind of sin.

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The Hope of Glory

Aragorn

Aragorn

“Thus came Aragorn son of Arathorn, Elessar. Isildur’s heir, out of the Paths of Dead, borne upon a wind from the Sea to the kingdom of Gondor; the mirth of of the Rohirrim was a torrent of laughter and a flashing of swords, and the joy and wonder of the City was a music of trumpets and a ringing of bells.”

Waking the Dead

Waking the Dead

In recent weeks I’ve been finding myself urged on by a sense that there is great worth in me that I cannot yet see. I’ve been re-reading “Waking the Dead” by John Eldredge and I am shocked that I’ve let all the cares of this world rob me of a heart that’s truly alive. Like Aragorn, I think many of us have placed ourselves in a place where we don’t believe the truth of who we are. Our worth is hidden and we think ourselves plain Rangers of the North when God’s original design for us was perfection in His image.

Isildur’s Heir remained hidden for years and he could only reclaim his kingship the day he let go of his past & the sins of his forebears. Like Aragorn, we too remain trapped by sins of our past at times. Like Aragorn, we too have the Hope of Glory in us that is brighter than the noon day sun. How much of it is diminished by our stubbornness as we cling to what we think we want. Our sight blinded by what we see before us; eternity veiled.

The Bible tells us time and time again that we are a new creation in Christ and that He has made all things new. Adventure awaits us but are we ready to grasp hold of it? Are we willing to step forward and truly believe? That’s a question that I ask myself after in the midst of difficult circumstances. Belief. Faith. Two things that give us hope for the future.

Do we truly believe?

My Evangeline

Ray, the firefly

Ray, the firefly

In Disney’s “The Princess and The Frog”, you’ll meet Ray, an endearing & good-hearted lightning bug who helps Tiana & Prince Naveen on their journey as they search for Mama Odie deep in the Bayou. He’s not the most good-looking of bugs but I liked him instantly cos’ Ray always had the best of thoughts for each person he met even when things appeared to be otherwise. Ray’s a dreamer and I liked the fact that he was in love with Evangeline, the bright shining star  that Tiana and her friend Lottie kept wishing upon in the early part of the movie.

As I watched the movie, Ray reminded me that wishes do come true and that it’s OK to dream. Life is so much more than just having our eyes set here on earth cos’ without dreams I don’t think we’ll be able to get anywhere. After all, life isn’t just about being bogged down and dragged in the mud of our struggles and difficulties. The movie reminded me that it’s OK to dream big dreams but the steps to get there require hard work and a lot of God to get there. It means picking ourselves up every time we fall and working at it till something happens. Dreams can give us hope and I’m thankful we’re created with dreams in us cos’ without hope life would be very hard to bear. We lose our dreams too easily as we grow older and I’m glad that “The Princess and The Frog” had a lesson to teach me about dreaming again and to believe in good things rather than bad.

Wishes can come true and like Ray, I wanna keep my eyes set on the things that I hope for, to work hard for it just like Tiana and to trust in God to bring these things to pass in His good timing.

Till next time. Keep on dreaming.

Making Things Right

As I sit here at 11:37pm my mind ponders the events of recent months. How much I wanted to just let things slide but yet listened to the darkness within me that wanted revenge and wanted to hold on to anger because of my so called rights. In the calmness that I occassionally have I realise that I am still in love. But what is love that is not reciprocated?

I find myself being assailed by the memories of all that has happened. A very quiet voice says forgive her and start anew but I am so afraid. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes … I can’t afford to. I’ve made far too many in such a short span of time.

Papa, how do I make things right? Please help me make things right with the person that I love. Can she ever love me? Lord am I the right person for her? What do YOU want from me? I want to do the right thing … help me do the right thing because the right thing matters. Very much.

Here’s to thoughts that echo in the still of the night. May they make a difference when the dawn breaks.

Re-starting a Life Put on Hold

It’s been a long week this week. I’ve been hanging out late at night chatting with a new friend and venting a lot. At the same time also learning more about what it’s like to be free of the shackles of pain that I put myself through over her (her = the girl I was/am in love with). Am learning to let go some more of all the pent up anger & disappointment in me. Am learning also to start living my life again and to lay to rest the hope that she’d open her heart to me again.

Writing these words makes me feel like there’s a finality to it all. Maybe God will bring her back to me one day … maybe there’s someone else out there who waiting for me. Whatever it is God has given me hope again. And that’s a good thing. It’s time to super-glue together my life after 2 years of picking up the broken pieces. I will always mourn the loss of her heart and forever regret my inability to hold myself together in my desperation to want to be with her. All I wanted was for her to love me … but it’s over now. For good.

Anyways, this week has been a solid week. Not as productive as I would like but it was a good week. I caught Transformers again last Wednesday. The 2nd time wasn’t as amazing as the first but it was worth a 2nd watch nevertheless. The difference this time round is that I could take in all the detail that I missed when I first watched it. The sound effects in that movie are top-notch & the movie was delivered in true Michael Bay fashion. A stirring score by Hans Zimmer rounds off the package. It most definitely wins my vote for best sci-fi/fantasy/action movie this year.

The evening with my cell members was great & everyone celebrating Ee Von’s birthday that night made it a perfect cell outing. It was heart-warming to see her so happy and to hear the laughter coming from all around the dinner table. Aaah … The simple joys of being a cell-leader. Here are some pictures of our “makan” that day. It was good fun and a proud moment for me being a part of this group. Enjoy!

This is the lot of em'. THE SALTSHAKERS. Err ... except for Roland.

This is the lot of em'. THE SALTSHAKERS. Err ... except for Roland.

This is some weird girl thing ... don't take my picture please?! Sorry Daph, but I've taken it already!

This is some weird girl thing ... don't take my picture please?! Sorry Daph, but I've taken it already!

That's Ee Von the birthday girl looking up at us ... can you guess which one she is?

That's Ee Von the birthday girl looking up at us ... can you guess which one she is?

That's Lina on the far right, Ling Yew, Nat (Ling Yew's definite better half ) & Ee Von.

That's Lina on the far right, Ling Yew, Nat (Ling Yew's definite better half ) & Ee Von.

That's Elly on the far right, Matt, Angie & Terence. Sorry Ling Yew ... my camera phone doesn't have a wide-angle lens.

That's Elly on the far right, Matt, Angie & Terence. Sorry Ling Yew ... my camera phone doesn't have a wide-angle lens.

Here's a picture perfect shot of Daphne, Ee Von and Lina who is faaaar at the back. Oh! Lina's from Korea by the way. Can any of you tell?

Here's a picture perfect shot of Daphne, Ee Von and Lina who is faaaar at the back. Oh! Lina's from Korea by the way. Can any of you tell?

A Shot of the THREE MOST MACHO GUYS in the SaltShakers! Can you smell the testosterone?!!

A Shot of the THREE MOST MACHO GUYS in the SaltShakers! Can you smell the testosterone?!!

Here's Tim! He's the youngest guy in cell so he's like the small brother in our "family". Lina says he's adorably cute!

Here's Tim! He's the youngest guy in cell so he's like the small brother in our "family". Lina says he's adorably cute!

Mr. Kenneth looking immensely pleased after a delightful meal of pancakes!

Mr. Kenneth looking immensely pleased after a delightful meal of pancakes!

The birthday girl's birthday pancake? STRANGE but TRUE!

The birthday girl's birthday pancake? STRANGE but TRUE!

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ..." Oh! Was I singing too loud?

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ..." Oh! Was I singing too loud?

So there you have it! Happy Birthday Ee Von!!! And may all the blessings and good things we wished for you that night come true … err … soon!!!

To cap off this blog entry I’ll end off with another movie. Last night I caught Die Hard 4.0 with Ivan & another friend. Die Hard was an action-fest and I loved every minute of it. There were just times when my jaw stayed agape at the reality-defying scenes playing before my eyes. It was most definitely a thrill ride for me.

The week still isn’t over. Tomorrow is our regular book study and Ling Yew’s cooking lunch for us at his place in Sg Buloh. And on Sunday we’re off to Gentings! Hooray! It’s gonna be another great weekend! It’d be tiring but good. Can’t wait!

Cheers!

Wedding Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

The title says it all. It’s not a Monday today so what does that leave you with? This is the 3rd wedding I’ve attended this year & boy did I feel out of place there alone. Jamie Sol (my ex-CG leader) had her wedding today at First Baptist. It was a simple affair but Jamie made the whole ceremony beautiful with that radiant look on her face. As the vows were being exchange I could feel just what she was feeling by gazing at her face. It was romantic. It was poetic. But alas it also got me depressed & all the more uncomfortable being me. Sigh … it’s times like this that I wish that I’m not single.

I won’t go all Freudian & start psycho analysing myself but it does make me wonder if that special someone is out there somewhere. God hasn’t been clear about it & so far I’ve struck out on every single attempt I’ve made. Love has just shown me it’s sharp edge & boy does it hurt. It’s sweet euphoria to be in love but when it’s unrequited then prepare to taste pure unadulterated heartache. Is that self-pity I detect?

A glimmer of hope still exists in the recesses of my soul but its light is fading. I feel it giving out with each passing moment. Snuffed out by the dark plague of loneliness that ever so grips me. It’s easy to say that God is preparing someone for you & it’s easy to bring yourself to believe it but there’s this nagging thought that I am lying to myself. I’ve heard it all before … preachers always tell the same old tale of marriage being a life-long commitment. It’s a relationship in which God has placed the two people together for a purpose. I have my own questions to that. How then do I know for certain who that person is & am I with her because I am lonely? I honestly don’t know & right now I don’t I think I could love someone after being hurt so much in the past. I feel really tired inside. So very tired. My life is a long dreary road leading nowhere. That’s exactly how I feel at times. A lonely soul on a lonely planet. The closest person I know right now is God & thankfully it always helps to talk to Him; intangible though He may be.

So comes an end to my wallow in self-pity. It’s time to unstick myself from the mire & get on the wire. Corniness is a gift of mine, when it emerges I generally feel better. Ta!