In the past few months I’ve been working through a whole lot of anger & bitterness in my heart. I know that the best thing for me to do is to forgive her for hurting me so much but forgiveness is not the easiest thing to do. Today I had my very first online conversation with her. It was brief but I think I got a bit more pain out of my system by speaking to the very person who hurt me. What I learnt about forgiveness these past 2 months or so is this:
Forgiveness does not mean that the person who hurt you was right. And it does not mean that you are OK with what was done to you. And that’s true for me. For a while now I kept justifying why she did what she did but the fact is what she did was plain wrong whatever her intentions were. The ends do not justify the means.
Forgiveness does not mean that the hurt goes away. I puzzle with this bit but it’s true. I still hurt very much and even though it’s frustrating I’m somewhat more at rest that it’s not my fault that I’m hurt this much. She did what she did and she bears responsibility for that no matter what she may think or feel. Nothing changes what has happened and truly the best thing for me to do is to forgive her.
Forgiveness does not mean that reconciliation happens. This part is pretty difficult to grasp but it’s a sad truth. Also things between us will never be the same again despite her claims of friendship. If you can hurt someone who loves you so much then I cannot imagine what a regular friendship could become because of selfish behaviour. Trust once broken doesn’t mean it can easily be regained. I guess it still hurts very much now and again I am so very frustrated. I get very angry with myself and with how I feel. How can I ever love someone else with all this crap inside me? Time has healed a lot but it still hurts like hell at times.
There’s still so much to learn about forgiveness. And I’m slowly beginning to pray blessing into her life … in what little I can do now in praying for other people. I don’t know if things will ever get better and even if it does nothing can change what has happened. That’s the suckiest thing you know?
Anyways, I had a very productive day today. Attended the RIM AGM in Vistana Hotel then dropped off Juwita’s brand new single “Reach” at Red104.9 & Suria FM. Got our dispatch guy to send the single over to Hitz.fm & Mix FM also and I finally prepared cheques for payments this afternoon! Another big plus was meeting up with my good friend Mary Ann for dinner. To cap the day off I changed some Singapore Dollars from sales in Singapore to Malaysian Ringgit and then banked in some cheques too! On a more fun note I changed the 2nd disc on my Spider 3 DVD set cos it was faulty AND browsed through Borders. It’s been a good day. My brother is watching Spidey 3 now while I blog and I’m gonna be joining him in a bit.
Sorry guys! No pictures this time round but I will have some up soon cos’ I’ll be at some events this weekend plus my friend Lionel’s wedding.