The title says it all. It’s not a Monday today so what does that leave you with? This is the 3rd wedding I’ve attended this year & boy did I feel out of place there alone. Jamie Sol (my ex-CG leader) had her wedding today at First Baptist. It was a simple affair but Jamie made the whole ceremony beautiful with that radiant look on her face. As the vows were being exchange I could feel just what she was feeling by gazing at her face. It was romantic. It was poetic. But alas it also got me depressed & all the more uncomfortable being me. Sigh … it’s times like this that I wish that I’m not single.
I won’t go all Freudian & start psycho analysing myself but it does make me wonder if that special someone is out there somewhere. God hasn’t been clear about it & so far I’ve struck out on every single attempt I’ve made. Love has just shown me it’s sharp edge & boy does it hurt. It’s sweet euphoria to be in love but when it’s unrequited then prepare to taste pure unadulterated heartache. Is that self-pity I detect?
A glimmer of hope still exists in the recesses of my soul but its light is fading. I feel it giving out with each passing moment. Snuffed out by the dark plague of loneliness that ever so grips me. It’s easy to say that God is preparing someone for you & it’s easy to bring yourself to believe it but there’s this nagging thought that I am lying to myself. I’ve heard it all before … preachers always tell the same old tale of marriage being a life-long commitment. It’s a relationship in which God has placed the two people together for a purpose. I have my own questions to that. How then do I know for certain who that person is & am I with her because I am lonely? I honestly don’t know & right now I don’t I think I could love someone after being hurt so much in the past. I feel really tired inside. So very tired. My life is a long dreary road leading nowhere. That’s exactly how I feel at times. A lonely soul on a lonely planet. The closest person I know right now is God & thankfully it always helps to talk to Him; intangible though He may be.
So comes an end to my wallow in self-pity. It’s time to unstick myself from the mire & get on the wire. Corniness is a gift of mine, when it emerges I generally feel better. Ta!